Saturday, November 28, 2009

Emotional Abuse :The Symptoms and Strategy

There's always alot of focus on physical violence in a relationship, but at the same time emotional abuse can be just as devastating over time. Devastating the families and generations beyond. If you think someone in your family is being abused this way how do you know for sure? How do you approach it? What can be done?

In this commentary after exhaustive interviews with social workers and the like I will attempt to give you some ideas and point out some of the pitfalls and things to avoid. Now please keep in mind that there isn't a silver bullet thats going to work 100% of the time and often there just isn't an easy answer. However, something must be done. Alot of the times people in these situations don't even know they are being abused. You cannot be a bystander and just hope someone else will step in. At the same time you can't do something stupid and make the problem worse.

In most cases it's the female spouse that is abused but abuse of the male spouse is becoming more common and the symptoms are actually similar. In this article I'm going to use the example of a husband being abused but what is being discussed can apply to male or female spouses.

Let's start with symptoms for the abused. If you think someone is being abused and you question them about it then this is what you are likely to get. They tend to be in denial that there is a problem. They will make excuses for the bad behavior. Due to low self esteem they will tend to blame themselves. More times than not they will be withdrawn from siblings and friends claiming they aren't there for them when they need them. This can often be due to manipulation on the part of the abuser inventing reasons to keep the abused away from friends and family yet blaming it on the family not the themselves. This can lead to bad psychological problems down the road if it goes unchecked. It is worth noting that it's also not uncommon that abusers were once abused themselves.

Now lets have a look at the abuser. They tend to control the abused by taking away their self esteem and self respect. They can attack the abused sexually and lower it that way or they can use other means. One of the first tip-offs for an outsider is the constant yelling in front of the children and in front of strangers. This greatly humiliates the person and lowers self esteem which of course can cause the symptoms listed above for the abused. They may also do things like flirt with someone else publicly to humilate the spouse. Of course the spouse doesn't leave due to low self esteem believing they'll never find anyone else and they'll make excuses for it. In our example, even if the guy thinks he's being abused if he confronts his abuser she'll generally just fly off the handle yelling and screaming or do the next common thing the abuser does which is play the victim. Ironic isn't it? Trust me it happens. They will claim no one has it worse than them. No one appreciates them. They've been through more than anyone and no one cares for them. They will do the same thing if confronted by a third party.Now here's the thing. As we've said before the abused often becomes an abuser down the road when things don't get resolved so this person may have actually had it pretty bad. Please understand me when i say this. That DOES NOT excuse abusing someone now. If you were growing up and lets say someone murdered a member of your family. Then you grow up and 20 years later you murder someone. Do you think a jury is going to say it's ok because you had a tragedy when you were younger? Of course not! If you murder someone hopefully you'll fry. An abuser will have a multitude of excuses for why they abuse but NONE of them are valid because there is no valid reason for it.

So if your an outsider wanting to help a loved one how do you approach it. I want to say right off that your not going to fix it yourself. The goal here should be to get them both into counseling and let a professional handle it. Let whatever is going to come out come out in a session with someone who knows what to do. Your not Frued so don't pretend to be and make things worse. Now we've established that the abused may not listen. So if they don't pushing won't do any good most of the time. The abuser will just fly off the handle and become more abusive or just play the victim game and you'll probably get shut out and become the next person to which the abused becomes withdrawn.

So you can't make this about attacking someone and establishing some kind of blame because it just isn't going to work. If there's kids involved however you may have a chance. In a marriage often the abused does not see divorce as an option due to the money it would cost but alot of times they think it will damage the children so in their minds they stay for them. They don't realize that in an abusive situation staying could actually be worse on them. Either way they stay. Make the children the focal point. Any respectable mother or father wants their children safe. Now here's a point to ponder. If children grow up in a household where there' constant screaming then they will begin to think it's normal. They will be likely to continue this cycle of abuse and their own relationships will be damaged in the future. When you see screaming and the child doesn't even acknowledge it or looks withdrawn from it then you are starting to have a serious problem. If the yelling stops in front of the children and your mostly at home then the yelling tends to take a big drop. If that doesn't sway them to get counseling then unfortunately it could be a situation where your local department of human resources has to step in. Now no one wants that to happen. A foster home is not a good place for your children they should be at home with you. So in my experiences trying to help abused persons i think when you are doing your approach stay away from assigning blame and use this angle. It may be a little manipulative but more often than not it will get the job done. No one should have to be abused and feel helpless. I can't think of anything worse and i know as your reading this you don't want it for any of your loved ones either. If your still not sure what to do consult your local DHR or possibly a psychologist if you know one. Mainly don't be a bystander do something but do it the right way. Thank you

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