Emotional Abuse :The Symptoms and Strategy

There's always alot of focus on physical violence in a relationship, but at the same time emotional abuse can be just as devastating over time. Devastating the families and generations beyond. If you think someone in your family is being abused this way how do you know for sure? How do you approach it? What can be done?

In this commentary after exhaustive interviews with social workers and the like I will attempt to give you some ideas and point out some of the pitfalls and things to avoid. Now please keep in mind that there isn't a silver bullet thats going to work 100% of the time and often there just isn't an easy answer. However, something must be done. Alot of the times people in these situations don't even know they are being abused. You cannot be a bystander and just hope someone else will step in. At the same time you can't do something stupid and make the problem worse.

In most cases it's the female spouse that is abused but abuse of the male spouse is becoming more common and the symptoms are actually similar. In this article I'm going to use the example of a husband being abused but what is being discussed can apply to male or female spouses.

Let's start with symptoms for the abused. If you think someone is being abused and you question them about it then this is what you are likely to get. They tend to be in denial that there is a problem. They will make excuses for the bad behavior. Due to low self esteem they will tend to blame themselves. More times than not they will be withdrawn from siblings and friends claiming they aren't there for them when they need them. This can often be due to manipulation on the part of the abuser inventing reasons to keep the abused away from friends and family yet blaming it on the family not the themselves. This can lead to bad psychological problems down the road if it goes unchecked. It is worth noting that it's also not uncommon that abusers were once abused themselves.

Now lets have a look at the abuser. They tend to control the abused by taking away their self esteem and self respect. They can attack the abused sexually and lower it that way or they can use other means. One of the first tip-offs for an outsider is the constant yelling in front of the children and in front of strangers. This greatly humiliates the person and lowers self esteem which of course can cause the symptoms listed above for the abused. They may also do things like flirt with someone else publicly to humilate the spouse. Of course the spouse doesn't leave due to low self esteem believing they'll never find anyone else and they'll make excuses for it. In our example, even if the guy thinks he's being abused if he confronts his abuser she'll generally just fly off the handle yelling and screaming or do the next common thing the abuser does which is play the victim. Ironic isn't it? Trust me it happens. They will claim no one has it worse than them. No one appreciates them. They've been through more than anyone and no one cares for them. They will do the same thing if confronted by a third party.Now here's the thing. As we've said before the abused often becomes an abuser down the road when things don't get resolved so this person may have actually had it pretty bad. Please understand me when i say this. That DOES NOT excuse abusing someone now. If you were growing up and lets say someone murdered a member of your family. Then you grow up and 20 years later you murder someone. Do you think a jury is going to say it's ok because you had a tragedy when you were younger? Of course not! If you murder someone hopefully you'll fry. An abuser will have a multitude of excuses for why they abuse but NONE of them are valid because there is no valid reason for it.

So if your an outsider wanting to help a loved one how do you approach it. I want to say right off that your not going to fix it yourself. The goal here should be to get them both into counseling and let a professional handle it. Let whatever is going to come out come out in a session with someone who knows what to do. Your not Frued so don't pretend to be and make things worse. Now we've established that the abused may not listen. So if they don't pushing won't do any good most of the time. The abuser will just fly off the handle and become more abusive or just play the victim game and you'll probably get shut out and become the next person to which the abused becomes withdrawn.

So you can't make this about attacking someone and establishing some kind of blame because it just isn't going to work. If there's kids involved however you may have a chance. In a marriage often the abused does not see divorce as an option due to the money it would cost but alot of times they think it will damage the children so in their minds they stay for them. They don't realize that in an abusive situation staying could actually be worse on them. Either way they stay. Make the children the focal point. Any respectable mother or father wants their children safe. Now here's a point to ponder. If children grow up in a household where there' constant screaming then they will begin to think it's normal. They will be likely to continue this cycle of abuse and their own relationships will be damaged in the future. When you see screaming and the child doesn't even acknowledge it or looks withdrawn from it then you are starting to have a serious problem. If the yelling stops in front of the children and your mostly at home then the yelling tends to take a big drop. If that doesn't sway them to get counseling then unfortunately it could be a situation where your local department of human resources has to step in. Now no one wants that to happen. A foster home is not a good place for your children they should be at home with you. So in my experiences trying to help abused persons i think when you are doing your approach stay away from assigning blame and use this angle. It may be a little manipulative but more often than not it will get the job done. No one should have to be abused and feel helpless. I can't think of anything worse and i know as your reading this you don't want it for any of your loved ones either. If your still not sure what to do consult your local DHR or possibly a psychologist if you know one. Mainly don't be a bystander do something but do it the right way. Thank you

The Art Of Control

In the years that I have been involved in this I'm at a point
where I feel very fortunate. I'm very thankful for the
opportunities that I have been afforded. I get to tour this great
country teaching and helping people. I get to work with a great
network of instructors that want to do the same thing. I get to
see alot of things that most don't get to see. Some of it very
good and some of it pretty bad. Today I want to talk to you
about a gray area that seems to get overlooked in alot of
programs. I see certain organzations or schools talking about
how their technique are so violent and how this agency won't
use them because of it and it's basically aggressive marketing
to get the uneducated to think they are the real deal. They talk
about gouging eyes out and ripping testicles and ears and all
this stuff. They basically just strike to maim. I had a friend
years ago who got into a streetfight and used one such
technique. It ended up blinding the guy and my friend got sued
losing everything. It took him years to recover. You can have all
the violent techniques in the world but if you can't use them
legally are they really functional for our society? Of course
there are many situations where those techniques would need
to be used. Such as on the battlefield, attempted rape, or
attempted murder, but definately not for your average
streetfight. Oh sure there may be a little chin jab here or maybe
an eyes poke or smack an ear here or there to get a certain
reaction but that's alot different than maiming someone just
because you can. Sure those violent techniques work great but
are they socially responsible? Shouldn't we aspire to be better
because our society demands it? An ethical person doesn't do
the right thing just because they are forced to they are ethical
because they will do the right thing even when no one is
looking.
A few months ago I wrote an article called Kitty Genovese and
Me discussing the bystander effect. Towards the end of that
article I covered something called the biker mentality. Basically
what scientists discovered was that if a group that witnesses a
violent event feels the victim is part of their peer group in
some way that they will likely intervene. Most people believe
they are good and decent people and with the popularity of
MMA competitions we are exposed to much more violence
everyday. Don't worry I'll wrap all this up in a neat little bow as
we continue. I hear people say all the time that there isn't any
rules in streetfighting. Those people are wrong and hear is
why.There are two types of truth in the world we live in. You
have the ultimate truth with is the facts. Then you have truth in
application which is what you'll actually deal with in life. You
see the truth we deal with in life in nothing more than the
perception of the majority. In other words, if 80 percent
believe something is true even though it isn't that it actually
doesn't matter because the other 20 percent are going to have
to live with it. Laws and so forth will be made based on the
perception of what is true not necessarily what is actually true.
Let's say your at a party or a bar or whatever and you end up in
a fight. Ther's a bunch of drunk guys standing around watching
whose only knowledge about "real fighting" is watching UFC or
one of the other MMA organizations. The guy is fighting you toe
to toe and you fire off these eyes gouges and goin shots your
going to be in trouble. Whether there's a such thing as cheating
in streetfighting is irrelevant because these people watching
will perceive you as cheating no matter what. You just became
the bad guy. It isn't a fair fight to them anymore it's an assault
and your a bad person in their eyes. You just made the guy
your maiming part of their peer group. In other words you just
incited a multiple attacker beatdown and your it. You'll be
lucky to get out of the night without being maimed yourself
because in their eyes you'll deserve it. The biker mentality will
take over which basically means if you fight one you'll have to
fight them all.
I believe any socially responsible system will dedicate a
good amount of time to control techniques such as joint locks,
wraps, etc. Since ancient times in most asian cultures control
techniques have been regarded as the highest skill. It takes alot
more skill to down an attacker without wounded them in some
way. The belief is that anyone can just deck someone you don't
need any training to do that. Let's say a guy just fired from his
job and his ego has been dumped on and maybe he doesn't
know how his family is going to make it. He's probably not
going to be in a great mood. Let's say for whatever reason you
get into it with this guy and he gets blinded by one of these
violent techniques that so many teach. Maybe he isn't a great
person and shouldn't have done whatever he did or maybe he
is a great person and just made a mistake. Even if he deserved
it does that mean his wife and kids deserved it too? Now he
can't work and without a job he has no health insurance. I don't
think there's any arguements that can break out where
someone deserves all that in the end. The fact is in that
instance you were socially irresponsible and you just cost a
family everything over the fact that you didn't focus on the
right things in your training. I hear things all the time like," I
took that guy out that way because i didn't have a choice." Was
he in that situation because he didn't have a choice or was it
because he didn't have the training to do anything other than
what he did?
When your controlling a person with one of these
techniques the good part is you are also controlling yourself.
Instead of witnesses seeing someone tearing a guy up they see
someone who is trying to keep a guy from hurting you or
himself. They see someone who is just and responsible. They
see someone who is a better person. I hear alot of instructors
say that jointlocks for example are incidental and accidental
that they can't be done under stress consistently. I find this to
be a very ignorant statement made by people who haven't been
taught the correct progression to set them up or just plain
don't have the insight to figure it out for themselves. I myself
have a program called the S.T.A.R. Method(Stonewall Tactical
Armlocks and Restraints) that can nail jointlocks with extreme
speed under extreme stress at a very high success rate that has
already been proven in the field. It isn't very hard to do with
the right training. This however isn't about me or my program
I'm sure there are many out there that are also very good.
I know there are many times when violent techniques
need to be used in self defense situations and I teach them
myself but their are also times when they definately shouldn't
be used. My point is that the people I train have the choice and
I believe that others should have that same choice. I believe it's
the responsibility of instructors to make sure they have this
choice. I also believe the only way they will have this choice is
if control techniques are made an important part of any
program otherwise you are making the ethical and moral
choices for them and I don't believe that is right. It should be
up to the individual. They can't be the person who makes the
right decision when know one is looking if they don't have the
tools to do so. So if control techniques aren't a part of your
curriculum please rethink it. Give your students the choice to
make the right decision when need be and the tools to follow
through with it. Thank you for reading this article.